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So November has come around and the nights are darkening quickly, the air is chilling, and winter has truly set in.
For me, November means a few things. To me, November marks the beginning of the frantic Christmas shopping that will ensure until mid-December, it’s the run up to my mother’s birthday (yes, the big 5-0 this year Christine!), as well as marking the birth of my grandfather, and a few of my special cousins, and family members. November has always remained a rather ’empty’ month. Nothing major happens other than building up to the next one, however, a post in a few days time might make you understand why, and how, I am able to disregard these few weeks.
I’m going to start introducing this new month by concluding that of the previous, October, and in particular a rather uneventful Halloween.
I do love Halloween, the dressing up, the socialising, the horror! However, this year was different, this year was boring- possibly due to the lack of money (having not being paid this month!), but also because this year, I just didn’t ‘feel’ it. Perhaps my enthusiasm has disappeared, or I have much bigger things on my plate at the moment, but this year was as if Halloween didn’t even happen, which is kinda sad.
Maybe I’ll make up for that next year.
So back to November. November came with a mixture of anxieties and expectations. (No doubt I will do a second update towards the end of the month.) The dark nights exasperate my depression and anxiety, it’s a tense time of the year, and I’d much prefer for the joys of spring and summer, rather than the darkness and gloom of late autumn and winter.
So here is my November so far:
Bella ran-away.
Only moments after posting her ‘birthday post’ I got a call saying she had disappeared- running after a cat. I was devastated and immediately went on the search. I sent out an S.O.S via text message- to which several of my friends and family responded and came on the search. It took 2 hours of wandering the streets and fields, driving around, and asking passers-by if they had seen her, but I finally found her. Thank God!
In tears, I ran over to the people who had found her, strangers. I couldn’t be more grateful! I don’t know if you have a dog or a pet, but for me, she’s like my baby, and I was terrified for her safety as well as wanting her to come home for a big cuddle.
She’s home now; which is the main thing, but all this has kinda played on my mind. Why did she run away? Does she not want to be with me? And, is she happy?
I know she’s well looked after, occasionally spoilt, and gets a lot of love and attention. I guess this is where the ‘abandonment category’ of my BPD comes in to play. Have I done something wrong? Yesterday, this is all I thought. I was devastated as pet owner that my pup could and wanted to run away, and this made me hit a low. However, I was conflicted, I was so grateful and proud of all my friends and family that came out to help search, that posted on Facebook and rang other people they knew were in the area to keep an eye out.
Both my friends, Connor and Gav, hurried down a meal to come join the search. Either they care a lot about Bella, or they care a lot about me- knowing how much she means to me, or maybe a combination of both. Nevertheless, I couldn’t be more grateful for them turning out to help.
Today I feel different. I wasn’t with her, so therefore I wasn’t in control. She acted out of instinct. Plus, she hasn’t been feeling her usual self recently, as I found out today- waking up to a blood stained carpet; she’s having her first period.
I expected, I mean, I know enough about dogs- but I wasn’t 100% sure. She had a pre-period a few months ago, but it was only a small smear of blood, this time, however, it seems to be everywhere! So she’s now sitting comfortably with an old pair of my boxer shorts on, her tail sticking through the gap that’s designed for your penis when you need to go pee-pee, and safety pinned around her waist so they won’t fall down. At least this will save my upholstery and flooring!
So the three big things that have happened so far this month are:
- I didn’t get paid.
- Bella ran-away.
- Bella is now menstruating.
So overall, a rather eventful, if not disastrously stressful way to start the month! I guess there’s only one way up from here. Fingers crossed.
-S